Yesterday (Sunday) was a good day. I woke up, went to work, came home, played with Taryn, made dinner, took care of the twins. I felt like I was in control of my life. I felt better, happier. I knew that it was too early for it to be an effect of the medication and that I was most likely feeling a placebo effect of getting help, but I didn't care. For the first time in a long time, I felt like myself. The little things that would have angered me before, didn't. I know my husband (Michael) could tell - he apologized over and over for things that weren't done around the house because the kids ran him all day. I don't think he believed me when I said, "Its ok, honey. You had a hard day, I understand." And really, why should he; I've said it before, only to be quickly followed with an, "Oh my god! Why is the laundry spread all over the bed? I just folded that" and "Why the hell is this room trashed; it was clean when I left for work this morning!" It shouldn't be a surprise that my attitude filtered through the house. The twins were easy, Taryn was happy and playful, and Michael seemed more relaxed and focused than I've seen him in a long time, despite having a baby in his arms every moment of the day.
Today, not so much. I could feel a cold coming on starting last night, and when I woke up with the twins at 0630, I started my day with a full blown head cold. Once the twins finished eating, Taryn started her day (right around 0700. When mommy's not home, she sleeps until 0830/0900. Somehow she KNOWS I'm home and ALWAYS wakes up at 0700. I guess she just wants to spend more time with me...), and thus, my day officially started. I dragged myself through the process of getting her changed and fed, but something was off and I knew it. As much as I would like to think it was just the cold that made me feel like crap, I know that it's the depression. I tried to take everyone to the shade garden around 0930, so that Taryn could play outside before it got blazing hot. I thought that perhaps the sunlight would make me feel better, and it probably would have, except that ten minutes into our foray, Tristan decided he had had enough of the heat and insisted we go back inside. Playtime fail. Once inside I called Michael to come home because I just couldn't take care of all three today; I was overcome with exhaustion. I told him it was because I didn't feel well and was dizzy - it must have been the heat, or maybe because I took my medicine on an empty stomach.
How funny it is that even though I have a husband that understands depression and it's affect on people, I still felt the need to make excuses for it. Somehow, it's just easier to say, "I don't feel well" than it is to admit, "I'm depressed." To be honest, the lie was probably more for my benefit than for his - he knew exactly what I meant when I said "I don't feel well" and picked up my slack without complaint.
Once he came home I layed down; I felt completely defeated. I couldn't take care of my own children, not even for a few hours. When I woke up, I tried to help out, but still couldn't muster the energy. I did manage to sit with Taryn during dinner, give her (and myself) a shower and put her to bed, so at least that's something.
Michael and I have always known that we're deeply connected to each other's emotions. When one of us is happy, we lift the other up. Unfortunately, when one of us is depressed we drag the other down. I don't know why it never occurred to me before that maybe I really WAS the problem in our relationship, as Michael had previously asserted. I was so busy being angry at and blaming my husband for our problems. In my defense, his accusations always came in the middle of an argument, so it's not surprising that I wasn't receptive to them.
So, in summary; yesterday was good, today sucked; tomorrow? We'll wait and see. On that note, I have promised myself that, no matter how bad of a day I have, I will find one thing, just ONE thing, to smile about. Everyday. If I want to get better, I need to change the way that I view the world, so this if my first small step.
Today's reason to smile: Taryn loves to take showers with mommy. She asks me to pick her up and when I hold her under the water, she opens her mouth to catch the falling water.
Jenn- I give you so much credit for writing about your struggles and being so honest and open. I'm sure you will help others by sharing your stories, and you'll find out how to help yourself along the way. For what it's worth- you are one of the strongest women (people) I 'know' and I mean that. :)
ReplyDelete~Steph(0871)
I'm going to have to caution you on phrases like "maybe I was the problem in our relationship" That's not a healthy thought and not something a supportive partner would say to you. The fact that it was said during arguements solidifies that. You are not the problem. You may feel like you are the problem because you are going through a rough patch. But you are not the problem. You are an excellent wife and mother and hard worker.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Steph. It's good to hear :)
ReplyDeleteAnon - you are right, thank you. I know that I'm not the problem in the relationship itself - that's something that we both need to work on. Since the diagnosis, both M and I have been in a better place to deal with our issues. At least now I know that the person I was before that led to a lot of the arguments isn't the person that I have to be.