As of yesterday, I am officially at my full dosage of Zoloft. I started at 25 mg for 1 week, then went to 50 mg the next week, and so on, until I reached the full dose of 100 mg. Thus far, I haven't noticed any effects of the medication, at least not the "happy" feeling that I would expect from the drugs. I still have depressed days, where its a chore to get off the couch, and angry days, when I feel like I want to put my fist through a wall, but I don't feel that way all of the time, now. Some days I am actually productive and can function like a "normal" mother, although I wouldn't consider myself "happy." Is that what the pills are supposed to do? I'd settle for just making me "normal" all of the time rather than the lazy, rageful, melt-into-the-couch person I've become.
Yesterday, after I poured the little green pills into my hand, I stared at them. This was THE dose. The dose that I was going to be on for an indeterminate amount of time. All of the sudden, all of the apprehension that I had about the medication before I started the prescription rose up again. My biggest fear is that I won't be "me" on it (not that I really know who "me" is anymore.) I worry about an "artificial" high; I don't want to walk around happy all of the time and question if that's how I "really" feel or if I'm only feeling that way because of the pills. I worry that if I'm on the pills long enough, my body will not remember how to produce serotonin on it's own and that nothing other than the pills - not my children's smile nor my husband's kiss, will make me happy. Then I spouted off the party line that I have given so many of my friends, "There is no reason to fear the medicine. You are sick, and the medicine will make you feel better. It's like taking cough syrup, for your brain." I swallowed the pills because I knew that for the moment, this is what is best for me; this is what is best for my family. My children deserve to know the "happy" me, even if, for the moment, that happiness is assisted.
Remember that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. Trust me, you'll reach a point where you'll be able to lower your dosage, when you're at the right dosage you'll be able to tell because you'll feel like yourself again, and you'll stop having worries like the ones you mention above.
ReplyDeleteHon, if you ever want to talk meds, I'm your girl. (I've been on several different SSRIs) But one of the best pieces of mind a therapist ever gave me regarding meds is that it's a rule of thirds, a third of the people will need it for a short time and never need it again, a third of the people will need it for a while, be off for a while, and then may need to be on it again at some point, and a third of the people will always need it. Whichever category you end up falling into, it's worth it. It's a medical condition that you can't "think" your way out of, just like you can't think yourself out of diabetes or cancer. I know that's hard to believe and accept, I've been struggling for 15 years to do just that, but it's true.
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